he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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