VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
