How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
