I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
