Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
