Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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