dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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