I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
