i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I love having hate sex.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
