You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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