she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
