lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
