Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
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I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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