Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
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Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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