My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
