This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
