I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
