Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
