Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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