Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
