The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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