just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
