The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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