i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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