Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.