Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
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There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
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Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My feet surprised me