I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
