Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
