His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
