After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
