i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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