my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
