never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
