8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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