If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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