i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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