Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
