Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
