my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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