why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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