am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
