woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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