Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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