My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know