So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.