I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.