so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.