I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
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At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
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Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.