I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...