I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
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just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
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Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.