Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
