Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
