and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
