I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
