then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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