I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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