I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
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Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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