Cold hands, warm shart.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize