then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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