You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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