the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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