can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
