That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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