Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
