Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
